Things Never To Do To A Vampire
by Spiffy Da WonderSheep
Summary: R/R please, I'll give you a cookie! S4-ish, Xander plays a prank on Spike, and then Spike plays a prank, and so on...
1. In Which Xander Gets Spike

A/N: Totally non-contiguous, just random bit of fluff that landed in my head. No spoilers, unless you've never seen S4.  
  
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"You are such a dead man," Spike growled.   
  
"No, you are the dead man and I am the happily-trotting-off-to-work man." Xander adjusted the incredibly tacky hat and grinned in the mirror at the empty chair.  
  
"There are BELLS on my shoes!"   
  
"Yes there are." He reached under the hat and pulled a lock of his hair down to fall rakishly in front of his eyes. Then he decided it didn't look rakish, it looked stupid, and tucked it back under the hat.  
  
"They have little ducks on them!" He was practically strangling on his rage.   
  
"Yes, I believe so." Xander turned, and smiled as he watched Spike try to shake the ducks off of his boot, which came with a tinkling accompaniment of jingling bells. Every so often the shaking would stop, and he would stare as the duck's plastic googly eyes spun around and around. "See, they figure this will make the kids like wearing them on their shoes..."  
  
"I AM NOT A KID!"  
  
"No, but you do have a tendency to sneak up on people."  
  
"But that's part of my job."  
  
"And now, you've been terminated."  
  
"Okay, Harris, it's not funny any more. Take 'em off." Spike held one boot up towards him.   
  
"Take them off yourself, they just have a little snap closure. I have to get to work." Xander turned and headed up the basement stairs. He counted the stairs to himself and he got to the fifth one before Spike screeched in utter, murderous frustration.  
  
"And the snap opens a lot better if it's not superglued together..." Xander said as he dashed up the stairs and into the safety of the sun-drenched kitchen. ---- SWS 


	2. In Which Spike Returns the Favor

"Spike, this isn't funny."  
  
Spike stopped rolling on the floor long enough to say, "Yes it is," and then he caught sight of Xander's face and started laughing again.   
  
"Spike, I swear, if you don't..."  
  
Spike didn't stop laughing.   
  
"Spike! Eventually I will get free, and I am going to invest in a very good dustpan."  
  
"No you won't."  
  
"You want to bet?"  
  
Spike pulled out a camera and took several quick pictures as Xander attempted to cover his face. However, since his hands were tied to the arms of the chair he was seated in, his frantic wriggling did nothing but tip him over sideways.   
  
Spike leaned close to Xander's ear and whispered, "Your panties are showing..."   
  
Xander's eyes widened. "You did NOT!"  
  
"Not telling!" Spike stood up and took a couple more pictures of Xander, while Xander cursed. "Aw, come on, Xan, you've got great legs! And Scottish men wear kilts all the time."  
  
Xander gritted his teeth so hard that Spike was certain he heard a filling crack under the pressure. "This is not a kilt. This is a uniform from St. Agnes Girl's Preperatory School."  
  
Spike feigned a hurt expression. "You have to give me credit for such good work on such short notice. Oh well, off to get these pictures developed."  
  
"Spike, get back here! Spike! SPIKE!"  
---  
SWS 


	3. The Stakes Are Raised...

"Listen, Harris, I'll get you the negatives, just let me out of here!"  
  
"No way. You earned this." Xander adjusted one of the handcuffs and stood back to cast a critical eye over his handiwork. "Besides, I already have the negatives."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Really, Spike, Willy the Snitch isn't exactly the best insurance for blackmail photos."   
  
"Xander, it's almost lunchtime, please, I promise, I'll quit mixing blood into your Yoo-Hoos and leaving them in the fridge."  
  
Xander picked up a blanket, a black t-shirt, a pair of black denim jeans, and two Doc Martins boots, sans shoelaces. "Nope."  
  
"I'll do your laundry for a month without complaining!" Xander snorted in derision. Spike amended, "Okay, a week."  
  
"No way. You always shrink things."  
  
"I'll move out!"  
  
"To where? Giles kicked you out, Buffy won't let you within a hundred yards of her place, and no one else will give you free room and board." Xander walked towards the doors, carrying the clothes.   
  
"Xander! Stop torturing me!" Spike pleaded.  
  
Xander stopped at the threshold. "Say 'please'."  
  
"Please!"  
  
"Pretty please?"  
  
"Pretty please with Whetabix on top!"  
  
"Nope." Xander pushed the door open and ran, just as a bell rang. The sounds of giggling and female chatter echoed up and down the halls, and Spike struggled mightily to get free. Xander knew a thing or two about chains, though, and all Spike managed to do was dent the locker behind his head. He did keep trying, though, even after the screams started, and the first nun fainted.  
---  
SWS 


End file.
